Friend Application Period Wide Open. And Now Accepting Pity Invitations!

Hi girls,

I've spent a lot of time thinking about how friendship is represented on TV and in the NY Times Style section, and less about how it actually plays out in my life, so I don't have totally coherent thoughts on the subject.

Like Julia, most of my close friends always have been, and probably always will be, girls. This has always seemed normal to me and it wasn't until the past couple of years that I encountered the "girls are always catty and mean to each other" school of thought. It seemed to be in vogue for quite some time for women not to "trust" other women, and to express a preference for male friendship as somehow more pure and less drama-ridden. (See: Scarlett O'Hara and this story.)

I mean, I don't disagree that girls are sometimes catty and mean (I can't claim innocence on this either) but I don't think it's a naturally occurring trait, or that it's better to avoid this entirely by only being friends with guys. I have thoughts about why this is, which are mostly uninteresting and related to the power dynamics between men and women and the structure of society, but that's another 10 pages that I will hopefully write in the future. Anyway, I think these values must be shifting in media representation because, for the life of me, I can't see what's appealing about the frivolous, self-absorbed women on Sex and the City other than the strong bonds of female friendship they represent.

Like you, Rita, I am a possessive friender. (Although I don't think possessiveness has anything to do with the serial friender's relationships you mentioned...those seem more based on delusion and obsessiveness.) My friends are MINE and when they go mixing off together without me, I feel left out and like I need to be there to supervise. I don't think this is healthy, and I'm learning to get over it. It's definitely a product of being an only child, and expecting the people who love you and whom you love to only be one thing to one person. As an only child, you have a unique relationship with your parents, and it's jarring when you realize that you have to be ok with multiple people having the same relationship to each other. I still can't even quite imagine what it would be like if I knew my mother loved another child in the same capacity that she loves me. This is why I totally think only children are a bad idea, and siblings are crucial to good mental and social development. That said, I have met many people with siblings are are still painfully self-centered, so it doesn't always work out. Going away to college and having roommates definitely helped me on the road to recovery from only child syndrome.

I'm surprised, Rita, that you think I'm better at making friends than most people. I don't really think that's true. I don't think I'm bad at it, but it's not a facility that I pride myself on either. If I find someone interesting, I ask A LOT of questions, and that tends to scare people off. And trust me, my charm is not working so well in DC. I only recall one other time in my life where I felt like it was hard to make friends, which was my summer internship in NYC. And that was because I decided I hated everyone before I even got there. Maybe I have subconsciously done the same thing here. Unlike you Rita, I am NOT ok with this. Post-college friend-making started out really well, with my fantastic group in Spain, but has now sputtered to a halt. Having a job, my job at least, does NOT take up more time and energy than being in classes. I need more friends! Friend application period open!

I totally agree with you, Julia: I don't understand people who shrug off their good friends. It seems like a lot of wasted time and energy. Making friends takes so much work! You have to be charming and chatty and have witty responses, and spend money going out drinking with them. AND you have to learn their life stories and tell yours...all SO MUCH WORK! Although I wonder if we put undue pressure on ourselves to be social and make new friends quickly. Most people in the world, and even in the country, don't move around every couple of years, and also tend to stay close to their families, which take up a lot of social time. It seems reasonable to me then, that the pressure to dazzle large groups of people during weekday happy hours and weekend bar hopping, is overwhelming and uncomfortable.

I'm not really sure about this whole question of men and women being friends without the intercession of desire. I haven't had that many male friends on which to test these theories, but it does seem rare for feelings to stay strictly platonic in a close friendship between a man and a woman. I'm not sure why this would necessarily have to be the case, only that it frequently is. Maybe, if you like each other enough to be such good friends, it just seems logical that you should channel romantic feelings towards each other, particularly if you are not dating anyone else? I don't know.

In other news, I just bought a really expensive ticket to go home for Christmas, because I decided I would be sad if I didn't. Eliminating friends would save money, but eliminating holidays would save even more.

Kisses and Kittens,
Alex